Amorphophallus & You

Roger Sieloff ISDH (sieloff@ideanet.doe.state.in.us)
Tue, 26 Mar 1996 21:40:52 -0600 (EST)

Old MacDonald II

(October 19, 1992)

The gourds did not die today, though the amorphophalus
(phalii?) were cut down. Roughly 20 years ago I planted
some gourds along a fence in the back yard. Due probably
to a lack of nutrients and sunshine, they gave a lackluster
performance, eventually succumbing to frost on the 19th. I
wasn't all that unhappy to see them go.

Two decades later, amongst orchids, cactus and an
advancing wave of philodendron, I'm cultivating
amorphophallus out front. The small bulb I procured from
an acquaintance a few years back had babies, the babies had
babies, etc.. This is the first season they've not been in
pots. I plan to dig them up soon as these southeast Asian
natives are unaccustomed to Midwest winters.

Someday the bulbs will eventually attain blooming size.
Hopefully I can intervene prior to this event; something
will have to be done. Amorphophallus translates to
"shapeless penis", a reference to the gigantic bloom as it
develops. "Voodoo lily" is the common name of this unusual
arum, although "stinkweed" is most likely the most
descriptive moniker.

The amorphophallus tribe is known as well for flower size
as flower smell. The species I have is mid-sized and will
produce a big cone shaped bloom around 4 feet tall,
smelling incidentally, like a very ripe, dead horse. I
hear tell the grand daddy of them all pushes up a bloom
that must be 7 feet tall and a yard in diameter. One can
probably smell this thing miles away.

I must consider my poor neighbors or they'll be breaking
down my door with civil suits ( not to mention what they'd
do to the garden). I have a variety of options. Apart
from the fetid flower, the big umbrella like leaf is
actually attractive, so I suppose I could emasculate the
poor thing the moment its sex organ came thrusting into
view one fine day.

Of course I'm a seed saver, and without a flower I'd be without
seeds. Perhaps a more humane approach is to let the
things develop in all their rude glory and then just prior
to the opening of the bloom, I could quickly slip a clear
plastic bag over it in an effort to mute the smell
somewhat.

One can imagine what a dry cleaning bag is going to look
like slipped over a huge, shapeless penis, but in an era of
safe sex, maybe I can pass it off as a kind of educational
thing. On the other hand, this might cause me even more
trouble than just letting the stinkweeds stink. I suppose
I'll burn this bridge when I come to it.

There you have it.....

Roger L. Sieloff